Excuses

I haven't written much at all these last few weeks and it is making me very annoyed with myself. 

It is currently half 5 in the morning and I have been awake for an hour or so, wasting my time looking at Facebook - surely the most destructive force to personal progress that the world has ever known?! - and realise I should be being more productive. 

This blog is supposed to be the catalyst for my writing and improving my writing skills so that one day I will be able to write for a living and work from home and have the lifestyle I want. Recently I have been letting other things get in the way. Work has been crazy busy and I ended up doing 55+ hours this week, but other than that I don't have much in the way of excuses.

I guess I am writing this to try and understand why it is that I can ignore what I have set out to do with this project in favour of watching TV and sitting about doing nothing. This is supposed to be my gateway to a better life and the things I have always dreamed of and is immensely important to me, so why am I allowing myself to do get away with doing nothing? 

The honest answer is that I am lazy and have allowed myself to take no responsibility for this abject complacency of mine. By not directly facing up to it before now, I have been able to deny the issue exists and avoid addressing it. This in turn has meant that I haven't had to acknowledge the way it makes me feel about myself, which is inherently unpleasant to say the least! By not acknowledging the issue, it effectively doesn't exist and I don't have to question myself - it's a form of inadvertent self defence, but very counterproductive. 

I really do want to change my life for the better and I realise that my biggest challenge will certainly be me. I have to face up to my own shortcomings and then overcome them if I am ever to succeed. This will be permanent record of my thoughts on this subject and remove the option for me to ignore my sloth. 

Therefore, in future if I don't write for a while I will have to feel bad until it makes me write! Hopefully this will be a positive way of reinforcing the enjoyment I get out of writing, making me a more productive person and getting me another step closer to my goals. 

Now I think I will reward myself by making Vicky and I a cup of tea - see, I'm more productive already! 

Detox Diet Part 2

Today is day nine of the detox, which means it is the last day. Back to normal tomorrow.

My final weigh in revealed another loss of a pound, bringing my total up to 11. I'm glad about this to say the least. Any loss would have been a positive but I also feel that I should have lost this much for the torture the first part was!

The second half has not been quite has traumatising as the first. I have almost got into a bit of  a routine now. I'm still not used to the aloe, and even though we are finished the scheme, there is still almost a whole bottle of the stuff left, and as it was so expensive, I shall be 'enjoying' it until it is all gone (about another 2 weeks by my calculations). I have taken the other supplements without prompting, and have even got used to not eating anything solid until the evening. 

This second half has not been without it's other challenges though. The last two days I have finished work late, meaning that when I should normally be walking through the door and having a drink whilst preparing dinner, I have been instead sat in my car in queuing traffic with nothing much else to think about than food. I don't do hungry well - Mike tends to describe me as someone who suffers with 'Hanger.' This is a condition which means that I get very VERY irate if I don't get fed within a very short time of originally feeling 'a bit peckish' as I normally describe it. This quickly deteriorates to 'about to naw my own arm off' and that is when the hanger sets in.

Being stuck in a car when you are severely hangry is not good for public safety.

My attitudes to the detox have not changed in this second half. I am still conscious of the fact that I can actually survive without nourishment every few hours, and it turns out I do not have a life threatening cake deficiency, so can indeed go longer than a day (or even a morning) without having to top up the diminishing levels of cakey goodness in my bloodstream. 

So as to continue our journey and not waste all the hard work we have done this past 9 days, we have made 3 new rules, which I hope to stick to in the coming weeks and months.

1. Smaller portions. Something that Mike is certainly struggling with is getting into the habit of weighing and measuring everything so we know how many calories we are consuming. He is very much the sort of cook who throws it all in and tastes it as he goes. I have always been a bit more anal about this (you have to be when you have my genes - thanks mum!) and so it has been my job to measure all the ingredients whilst he cooks. This does mean we spend time together in the kitchen, but he does get a bit annoyed when I'm in his way! 

2. Wine at weekends only. Both of us love a drink and before this is was not unusual for us to have up to 4 bottles over the week. This is expensive and also bad for the waistline. I have definitely noticed myself being more perky and sleeping better in the week, so this is one I intend to keep up!

3. Drink more water. I am positive that the only thing that has got me through this is drinking lots and lots of water. I know I do not drink enough and so I shall be endeavouring to hit my target of 2 litres every day, so I don't snack as much.

So I suppose the moral of this story is that whilst the task may be hard and the goal appears a long way off, the hard work will pay off in the end, and you may learn a little bit about yourself along the way. Never again shall I have 3 slices of cake in one day (except for my birthday, when anything goes!).

Birds, Beaches and Buried Treasure

Today we went for a walk at Hengistbury Head. After a slow morning, made all the better by having an extra hour in bed (thank you daylight savings time - easily the best thing about british summer time ending for another year!), drinking tea and watching the sun come up through the bedroom window. We donned our warm clothes and headed out into the sunshine.

Arriving at the car park, we were greeted by a delightful gentlemen (a middle to late aged man with a very stylishly waxed and manicured moustache and Lennon-esque circular sunglasses!) who gave us his parking ticket with a little over an hour on it. After considering whether this would be long enough, we decided to go with it and made our way to the cafe, where the path around the coastline starts.

First, a strategic visit to the ladies. Mike always smirks when I do this, because I have this small fear that I will get caught short and so whenever the opportunity arises I take it. Better safe than sorry! This need to "spend a penny" can reach absurd levels when we are in the forest for the day. We will normally visit several carparks and virtually every carpark in the forest has a public restroom. Vicky can end up using 4 or 5 public restrooms in one day - something a lot of people would be horrified at the thought of!

Then into the visitors centre. Despite having walked around this beautiful part of the world I have never been into the visitors centre. It is a new building, with wooden beams and clean white walls. There is a little exhibition which we took cursory glance at, playing with the parts of the displays meant for the children because it's more fun than reading the signs! There was a very nice, if baffling, display of carbonised crab apples. I'm sure it had some significant relevance and had I taken the time to read the bumf I would have understood it, but to me it was basically a basket of small, burnt fruit which I childishly mocked under my breath.

Outside, we commence the circular walk around the headland. It's a warm sunny day, considering it is the end of October, and people are out in their masses. A perfect time to people watch and chuckle at the parts of conversations we overhear. To our left, there is the marshland looking over to Mudeford. Egrets, seagulls and ducks go about their business, fishing and swimming on the shadow waters. To our right, meadows for cattle to graze on and pheasants to argue over the best food and partners.

We walk on, admiring other peoples dogs and standing to one side to allow the land train to go past. I always think this is cheating and that the people riding past are missing out on chances to stop and watch the world go by. Sometimes I just like to stop and look or listen to nature, take in my surroundings and enjoy the fact that I am lucky enough to live in such a spectacular part of the world. Whizzing past on the land train, these people are missing out on just pausing and absorbing the countryside and everything that lives in it.

Eventually we reached the water. We mill around the shoreline, looking for shells and other treasure, before realising that the time is getting on and soon our parking ticket will expire. We pick up the pace. Walking along pebbles is not easy at the best of times, let alone when you are in a bit of a rush, and the distance back to the car is a little longer than we anticipated. In short we are half an hour or more's walk away and the ticket will expire in the next 5 minutes! Its a shame to rush along on a glorious sunny day when you are walking along the beach, but I still do my best to hurry us along - I do not want a fine and there will certainly be more sunny days to enjoy!

I keep my head down, watching my ankles wobble from side to side trying to keep me upright. I miss a lot of the view as a result, only looking up to see how much further we have to go. I do however then spot some other delights that may have been missed if I wasn't looking. Small wild flowers in pinks and whites. Photos are taken and we march on.

I concentrate on not making a fool of myself by tripping over stones. I do not have the strongest ankles considering my stature, and they often fail me when I least expect it, hence my need to observe my footing. Whilst I am not looking at the gorgeous scenery, this does give me ample opportunity to listen to snippets of conversations, and chuckle to myself. While Vicky chuckles to herself, I keep my eyes peeled for exciting things by the shoreline and stumble across the shell of a spider crab.

After a small age, we arrive back at the grassland next to the car park. Now I'm positively roasting in all my warm layers, and my calves have been bitten countless numbers of times. Swearing under my breath, I try not to scratch them and ponder the only downside to a warm Autumn - Mozzies! Fortunately, my legs weren't bitten by any buzzing insects, but my head and neck were! I end up with a lump on my temple and the back of my neck the size of peanut M&Ms! 

Climbing into the car, I disrobe my warm cardigan (or coatigan, as it was named on the label!) and contemplate the prospect of a nice cup of tea at home. The sun is still warm and I stare into the sea as we drive along the coastline. This really is a wonderful place to live.

Detox Diet - Part 1

November sees me turn another year older, and this year is a particularly big birthday. In preparation for the big day, I thought it would be a good idea to detox. Not only would I shed a few pounds, but it would mean that I would enjoy the meal out all the better. I have been eating particularly badly and starting to feel very sluggish. As a good boyfriend, Mike agreed to do it with me (fool!) and so I ordered the kits off the internet and waited eagerly for them to arrive (ha ha!). 

A few days later, a big box arrives with two smaller ones inside. This particular detox diet involves a lot of supplements, including aloe vera, (which we will come to shortly) and shakes which you have instead of meals. I started to think this was going to be quite a lot easier said than done, but Mike was positive and this spurred me on.

That night, we laid out everything ready for the morning. I say everything, but the first two days seemed to be rather thin on the ground. No food, just supplements and one shake to last the whole day. I already felt hungry!

Morning one and we get up a bit too keenly and wander into the kitchen. Two shots of aloe vera four times a day for the first 2 days. How hard could it be? 

Well the answer is really really REALLY hard! Aloe vera has quite possibly the worst flavour I've ever tasted (except mushrooms, but they're in a league of their own!). How was I ever going to have this once a day let alone 4 times a day for 48 hours. Horrendous! Luckily three out of the four doses were at home, so I would have moral support, but the lunchtime one would be at work. This was definitely harder than I envisaged.

Supplements taken, I pack my tiny lunch and head to work. For the first time I smell toast as I walk down the corridor to my office, and I'm immediately salivating. I am on my own in my office today, and I have a lot to do so there's minimal time to think about food. I somehow summon the strength to down my aloe vera and other supplements and drink my shake at 'lunch'. Then its head down and carry on until home time.

The drive home is a melancholy one. Normally I am looking forward to a nice meal and chat at the table, maybe a cheeky glass of wine followed by a snuggle on the sofa feeling comfortably full, waiting for it to go down enough so I can squeeze in a cup of tea and a few biscuits. Not this time. Now all I have to look forward to is yet more aloe vera and supplements. YUM! Needless to say we had a lot more time on our hands, and after a small dramatic session from Mike about continuing, we shoot our aloe vera like tequila and head to bed fairly early. It's tiring not eating!

Day two seems to drag just as much as day one did, and to add insult to injury I have company in the office, which means lectures on why I don't just eat more healthily and exercise more (if it was that easy I wouldn't be in this state would I?), whilst they munch on lush lunches and drink tea like there is a world shortage.

Those first two days couldn't have gone much slower. But once they were over, I had the small joy of a meal to look forward to. Even though it wasn't going to be until the evening, and I would still have to endure a daily dose of aloe and supplements, suddenly there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It made me realise just how obsessed I am with food, and actually I can survive without any for 48hours, so I really don't need to eat as much as I do. Also, there was the added bonus of losing 7lbs, which was a nice little pick up (until someone announces he's lost 10lbs!).

Now I am on day 5. Still only having one meal a day, but amazed at how much I can actually eat in that meal. The limit is 600 calories, and if you're clever, that can be quite a portion of food. Neither of us are particularly fussy eaters, which is part of the problem, but it also means that many vegetables can be packed into meals to bulk them out and make it more filling.

I suppose it is highlighting to me just how much I was stuffing in my mouth before this. I knew it was bad but until you stop it doesn't quite sink in. I have always like my food, and certainly never been skinny, so maybe this might be a little turning point. I know I still have 4 days, but I'm feeling motivated and am hopeful that it will enable me to get into some better habits. AND maybe lose a few more pounds which I have to spare!

Rainy Morning

This morning it really did feel that the last of the summer sun had fled.

I got up this morning and got ready for work in much the same fashion as always - a little too slowly and begrudgingly - and had a quick peek out the window to check the weather. Vicky had text me on her way to work and mentioned that it was unpleasant, but for some reason I felt the need to check before selecting an appropriate outer garment. So I put on my big waterproof coat, pick up the rubbish - recyclables separated of course - and stepped out.

The big communal bins are out the back of the block and as I walk the path around the side of the building, past the herbs that one of my neighbours has been tending, and down the steps at the back, I see the view into Bournemouth gardens for the first time on a grey and wet Autumn morning.

Its dreary really, but seeing the colours of the leaves glistening on the branches and lining the road properly for the first time this morning was really kind of nice and I felt I needed to take this picture. It was a short lived enjoyment and I was immediately brought back from my daydream by the constant drizzle on my head and down the back of my neck.

Thereafter a thoroughly depressing drive to work wasn't improved by the worse-than-normal traffic or the stifling stuffiness of having to have the heating on to clear the windshield while having my big waterproof coat on and done up. Shockingly, even having one of my recent Spotify playlists entitled "Summer Ends 2015" on the car sound system only served to hammer home that Autumn was here and didn't seem to alleviate the sombre tone of my journey at all.

Arriving at work wasn't much cheerier and my day consisted of achieving very little of what I wanted or needed to get to done and a fair amount of chasing people, emergency ordering of parts, attempting to decipher terrible drawings and arguing with individuals who are utterly incapable of identifying the issue I might have with committing an act of criminal negligence. Sufficed to say, that particular individual is now aware that I have no wish to be tried, convicted and incarcerated, as a favour to them. 

This constitutes a fairly average day at the office for me and I consider it to be little worse than a tad mundane. It has been a grey day though and that has carried an undertone of curmudgeonliness throughout the day. As I was leaving it started spitting and turned to drizzle as I got in the car, before full on bucketing down as I drive through the worse-than-normal traffic on my way home.

Strangely my mood seems to improve as I get further from work and the rain gets steadily worse, although these things do not in any way correlate. The reason I am brightening up is that I am returning home to Vicky and my comfortable homely flat.

For the first time in my 30 years of life, I'm finally independent and running my own household. Consequently, I am paying all the bills (which I feel are quite considerable!), doing almost all the cooking and cleaning and generally looking after myself. I am aware that my noting this as extraordinary might be viewed as more than a little pathetic by some, but it is an important step for me and certainly thousands of other people around Britain. It is harder and harder to gain financial independence from parents, with high rent prices and increasing cost of living expenses along with the general expectation that we should all be able to go out and enjoy ourselves to excess whenever the urge arises.

As a result I feel quite proud of myself and on the whole am rather enjoying the experience of having my own space that I can design and decorate as I see fit. What's more I have created a space that I can share with Vicky and my family and friends and that feels really good.

So as I am driving home I realise that there are upsides, like getting to cuddle up on the sofa under a blanket with Vicky, being able to choose what to watch on TV and whether to watch TV at all, or deciding what I want to eat and having my own kitchen to cook it in.

These are some of the things that I love to do and having to get up on wet and windy Autumn mornings is the price I have to pay for them. It's probably not what I want to have to do forever, but for the time being it is a price I have come to terms with and overall am willing to pay!

Sunny Sundays

Sundays have been pretty hectic of late. 

Vicky and I only just moved into the flat about a month ago and started out with a bed and very little else. Since then, pretty much all our time has been spent sorting stuff out for the flat and shopping for all the essential bits and pieces every household needs, like a sugar bowl and milk jug, throws and cushions, picture frames, board games and of course, a pleasant smelling, non gender-specific candle. 

This particular item took a full 20 minutes or more of sniffing, umming and ah-ing before a mutually acceptable selection could be made. Other than the amount of time it took, the most noteworthy part of this particular experience is just how much I actually quite enjoyed it, given that I would never have expected to. I increasingly find that this is something that characterises all our time together - pleasant surprise at the enjoyment found in the mundane and tedious.

I should add at this point that Mike was the one who wanted the candle, and now every time we walk past a display, it is he who stops to sniff them all. Meanwhile, I end up walking along talking to myself  thinking he is still stood next to me. Then I spend a good five minutes trying to find him again, a task you think would be easy, being that Mike is six foot tall, and yet, despite being one of  the tallest men in the shop, I always lose him! This is something that will always confuse me.

When we aren't spending our time enjoyably choosing candles for the flat and have had time on the weekends, we have been out on our adventures in the New Forest. We like to grab a few lunch staples (scotch eggs, houmous and crisps seem to be the current favourites), a bottle of water and our trusty travel blanket then head out to the forest and have a little picnic near one of the many little car parks. 

Other times we will walk into Bournemouth gardens for a quiet stroll through the trees down to the invariably busy town centre and turn our errands into a way to share our mutual love of trees and plants as well as our common enthusiasm for people watching.

Bournemouth being the capital of pre-wedding celebrations in the UK, makes it an excellent place to people watch (I LOVE people watching, there is nothing more fascinating to me than sneaking a peek at other peoples lives). On any given weekend, it is pretty much guaranteed there will be a group of lager-fueled lads in drag, or a parade of inebriated pink feather boa and diamante-decked girls tottering about in the town centre at lunchtime. More likely is that you will see both. In the summer you will probably see a lot of them milling about drunk and confused as they try to figure out which group of hairy women or prancing flamingos they belong to!

In any case, Vicky and I have been busy a lot of the time on our weekends and I haven't really had a huge amount of time to just sit about. Sitting about is a pastime that I value more than most people do, but I do also recognize it as being singularly unproductive. As such, I have made a conscious decision to relegate this activity (or lack thereof) to evenings during the week when there is little else we can realistically do. 

This Sunday Vicky has gone out for that most quintessential of British meals; the traditional English Sunday roast dinner and I have been left to my own devices in the flat with a couple of chores that need doing and strict instructions to write something for the blog. 

I am trying my best to be productive with this time, but I'm finding that all i want to do is lie on the sofa and enjoy the sunshine streaming in through the large sash window we are fortunate enough to have in the lounge. I mean look at it - it's glorious, right?

You could have at least cleaned the window before posting a picture of it online....

In the interest of satisfying my need to enjoy what may be the last warm sunshine of the year and write something down as instructed, the logical thing seemed to capture my musings on that exact subject!

With Autumn here and the temperature noticeably cooler, it feels good to lie out on the sofa under the window and let the sun's warmth soak into my bones and I might even be cheeky and sack off my chores until I have had a little snooze... 

So I walk through the door and find him in exactly the same place I left him. This is marginally confusing for me. Do I berate him for not getting dressed and doing some chores or do I praise him for working so hard on the blog? I opt for the fail-safe: indifference. Always best to keep him on his toes!

Sundays for me are a mixture of things, roast dinners, warm puddings, long walks, cider and afternoon tea and cake. At this time of year it's about enjoying the last of the sunshine and all that nature has to offer; one final display before the frost snaps and the majority of life shuts down until the warmer weather comes in the Spring. 

Today was no exception. Although full to the brim with roast chicken and apple crumble, I forced myself outside into the cold (I'm always cold, even in summer, my friends say I'm cold-blooded because I only function fully when boiling hot) and enjoy the blooms which are making a last-ditched attempt to fight off the inevitable changing seasons.

Outside I see glorious pinks, reds and oranges. Autumn is definitely my favorite time of year. Not only do I get to wear big thick jumpers and pretend it's them that bulk me out instead of the cake I've been consuming on a daily basis, but it's still warm enough to venture outside for long walks in crispy leaves and enjoy blue skies and the rainbow of colours which are on display this time of year. There is no sight more enjoyable to me than the colours of the leaves on the trees at this time of year. Just check out this hot pink Dahlia:

Now the evenings draw in earlier and I find myself turning the lights on sooner and sooner, the DVD collection gets raided more frequently as it is too cold to do anything outside. I start to miss the Indian Summer evenings where a glass of wine can be enjoyed in the hazy sunshine. Instead it is replaced by a glass of red or a warm mug of tea and a blanket on the sofa. Snuggly socks and hot water bottle are a must in this situation (like I said, always cold) and we curl up in front of the television to enjoy some quiet time to reflect on the adventures of the day and to start planning the next weekends jaunt.